I have a new job. A real one, with health insurance and all that good shit. The bad part is that holy shit have I been exhausted. I really haven't been motivated to write much recently. This has changed. I played Metal Gear Rising: Revengence. Yep. Yeah.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT HAVE YOU PLAYED THIS GAME!?
Go, now, pay all the money for it, now. Stop reading, right now, get the credit card out, tell the kids you're eating ramen for the next two weeks, go buy it. Have you bought it? No? Go fucking buy it.
Okay now I'll tell you about the game.
I love the Japanese Action genere, like way too much than is healthy. Devil May Cry 4 is seriously in my top 10 games ever. I know the story sucks, I know the characters suck, I love it so very, very much. Action games are now being aware that they're satire and I love it.
So why should you actually play this game? Well there's several reasons. Reason 1, you like Metal Gear Solid. If you've played them all the number of references will keep you going. Reason 2, you were pissed about Raiden being the main character of Metal Gear Solid 2. Reason 3, you like technical action games. Reason 4, you enjoy a good spectical.
If you go into this game expecting a compelling storyline, deep characters, realism, character development, or realism, you're going to hate this game. If you have the ability to shut your brain off and tap into your inner 10 year old then holy shit is this the game for you.
It seems like every time I get tired of gaming I'll find something that sucks me back in. Let me paint you a picture. A young Jack, that's me, the main character's name is not lost on me, was watching his older brother's friend grind out Metal Gear Solid one Sunday morning in 1999. It blew my 10 year old mind. Cut to two years later, I have acquired a windows copy of Metal Gear Solid (yes, they really did make a PC version) back when you could just copy CDs. Blasting it out on my 266MHz Pentium II. I played through it 20 times, minimum. It was one of the key reasons for me buying a PS1 when I finally had the money. My copy of Metal Gear Solid is still sitting 20 feet from me on a shelf. Metal Gear Solid 2 was the reason I bought a PS2, that and Final Fantasy. And honestly I didn't hate Raiden. Hear me out now, his character development is way better than Solid Snake. Snake's betrayer was real, but Raiden's was much more complete. While I loved MGS 3 very much, it doesn't really apply, still amazing though.
So here we are, we have literally the worst setup ever. Metal Gear game not 100% cannon, pass. Raiden is the focus again, pass. You basically play as Grey Fox in a world with guns, pass.
So why would I pay money for this game, a game, I might add, that takes up 50 fucking gigs of hard drive space? I heard it was good from people I respect and it was the right price.
Warning: the rest of the review is going to be in caps. Because there's literally no other way to discuss this game. You have been warned.
DO YOU SEE THIS SHIT!? I'M RUNNING DOWN A FUCKING BUILDING CHOPPING MY WAY THROUGH SHIT WITH MY SUPER KATANA THAT CAN SLICE THROUGH ANYTHING.
ARE YOU READY TO COMMAND A SUPER CYBORG WITH THE BEST SWORD EVER!? THERE'S A MODE IN THIS GAME THAT YOU CAN SLICE SHIT INTO AS MANY PIECES AS YOU CAN HANDLE. THERE'S A FUCKING COUNTER TO FIND OUT HOW MANY PIECES YOUR SLICED THAT ASSHOLE INTO.
I LITERALLY RIPED A MINI METAL GEAR'S DICK OFF, SLID UNDER HIM AND SLICED HIM INTO 680 PIECES, I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THE GAME FUCKING COUNTS THAT SHIT!
YOU WANT DEPTH OF COMBAT!? THE FUCKING PARRY SYSTEM WILL CAUSE YOU TO GROW A FUCKING BEARD IN SECONDS! YOU'LL BE A FUCKING MAN 30 SECONDS INTO THE GAME! NAIL THAT PARRY SHIT AND TIME STOPS SO YOU CAN SLICE YOUR ENEMY OPEN AND RIP HIS FUCKING SPINE OUT TO REFILL YOUR ENERGY! THE MAIN MECHANIC OF HEALTH AND POWER INT HE GAME IS RIPPING OUT CYBORG'S FUCKING SPINES OUT AND CRUSHING THEM IN YOUR ROBOT FIST! YOU SEE THIS CHICK RIGHT HERE?
SHE HAS 12 FUCKING ARMS AND WHEN YOU BEAT HER, HER SEVERED HEAD TALKS TO YOU AND YOU PUT THOSE ARMS TOGETHER HOLDING SUPER KNIVES INTO A GIANT SPEAR MADE OF FUCKING CARBON FIBER ARMS! A SPEAR MADE OUT OF FUCKING ARMS! AND IT FUCKING OWNS SO MUCH FUCKING ASS YOU'LL BLOW A LOAD!
YOU WANT FUCKING PRETTY!? THIS GAME WILL BLOW YOU LIVER OUT YOUR ASS! IT'S SO FUCKING PRETTY.
AND IT RUNS LIKE A FUCKING CHAMP! FUCKING 60FPS WITHOUT SHAKING A FUCKING BUDGE!
I WAS SO FUCKING AMPED ABOUT THIS GAME THAT IT FINISHED DOWNLOADING AT 2 AM AND I WENT TO BED AT FUCKING NOON THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE I WAS SO FUCKING AMPED I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO SLEEP! I HAD TO CHOP THOSE FUCKS INTO TWENTY BILLION PIECES, SO MANY PIECES THE FRAME RATE WOULD DROP ONCE I HIT OVER 2000 BECAUSE THERE'S SO MANY FUCKING PIECES TO RENDER!
BUY THIS GAME RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND AND BLAST ROCKETS AT MINI METAL GEARS AND THEN RIPE THEIR DICKS OFF AND CHOP THEM TO PIECES WITH YOUR PHYSICS DEFYING KATANA.
I'm going to stop the caps here because it's exhausting to type that way. But the game is seriously amazing. Turn your brain off, become 10 again and enjoy what you're playing. It's frustrating in the best possible way, with a super high skill cap. I played with a controller for the last bit but int he beginning I played on mouse and keyboard and it was just fine. I'm actually rather impressed how well it controls with the keyboard. The port is fine as far as I can tell. It's such a nice departure in the action game genre. It's not serious, the storyline is insanely contrived, the characters and interactions are terrible in the best way you can imagine. But I have not have this much fun in a long time. I
was so excited to play it the whole way through. And I was not disappointed. If you're even remotely interested in Metal Gear Solid or the action genre in general you owe it to play this self-aware departure. Play it now.
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